I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize