I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
