All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
