theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
