His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
