just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
