Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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