it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Is it penis luge time yet?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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