He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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