Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
