someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
