If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
