I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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