he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
