I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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