All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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