i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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