at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize