I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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