At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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