dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
