U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I supernannyed him into submission
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
