my phone needs a breathalizer
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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