i don't like sucking hair
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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