Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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