everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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