I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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