i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
