I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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