When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize