I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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