The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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