the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
