Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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