there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
