Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
