apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
