I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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