he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
