Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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