I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
