I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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