I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
