Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize