Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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