His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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