Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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