when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
