i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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