Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
