question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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