Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
