Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
