once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
