Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize