he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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