Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
