if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just google imaged poop.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
